texas rain.

I sat on my grandparents' back porch yesterday afternoon
and watched the rain fall through the trees into the backyard.
The temperature had dropped about twenty degrees in twenty minutes,
and it was nice to be outside for once without melting.
Summer rainstorms are the best.

It was so peaceful to be surrounded by quiet thunder and rain and green grass.
I thought about you and how much you like storms,
and I prayed that this one would find you, because I'm sure camp needs the rain.
I thought about how if things were different, you might be sitting on the porch next to me.
I wished you were. 

I breathed in deeply the smell of cedar and crape myrtles. 
I thanked the Lord for peaceful Saturday afternoons, and I let my mind wander back through all that has happened this summer.
(My mind wanders a lot these days.)

I thought about the last conversation we had, and how everything changed so suddenly.
I wondered if it is okay or normal that I still don't have everything sorted out,
and I reminded myself for the thousandth time that I will probably never fully understand.
I argued back and forth in my brain about whether or not I should talk to you
and what I would even say if I did. That is a battle I fight every Saturday.
I absentmindedly moved the rocking chair back and forth to the rhythm of the song stuck in my head:
It's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are. 

I spent time with the Lord.
I thanked Him for all of the ways He has sustained me and strengthened me over the past two months.
At the beginning of the summer, I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it this far.
It felt like everything fell apart all at once, and continued to do so for a good month and a half.
Again, I followed the example of my 8-year-old camper climbing the rock wall with no sight:
One step at a time. Follow directions. Keep going.
It is so freaking cool how much He has been at work in my life and how He has used all of these circumstances to draw me closer to Himself.
"My power is made perfect in your weakness."

I poured out my frustration over so many things,
and I prayed for the ability to continue to wait patiently for His timing. 
I feel like I'm spinning my wheels here, and no matter how hard I try, I'm still stuck.
All I can do is keep seeking and keep trusting and keep my eyes focused.
I can lean against Your throne and find my peace. 

I got lost in my thoughts and prayers and memories.
I let myself get lost, because sometimes that's necessary.

Memories flood like a crowded train
where the tracks remain,
But the people changed.
They said,
"Oh my, gotta keep movin' on."