Nothing huge has been going on in my life that I feel the need to blog about. I spent the holidays with family, which was wonderful, and I got to spend New Years with a few fellow-Sky Ranchers, which is always a good time.
I'm still on the job hunt. I had a pretty sweet one in the works over the past few weeks, and it fell through today because the company said they couldn't afford to hire anyone right now. Super bummer, but it's okay. I know that the Lord has something else planned that I'm supposed to be doing right now, so I just have to keep looking until I find it. I am frustrated, but I know that there is a purpose in this.
I feel like everyone's lives are moving forward except mine. I don't feel like the adult that the world says I'm now supposed to be. My apartment still looks like a dorm room, and I'm still fine with wearing t-shirts and TOMS every day. Even when I try to "dress professional" or nice to go to dinner with my friends, I feel like I'm the awkward teenager trying to look like I fit in at a table with cool young adults who actually belong there.
I honestly like my clothes and my apartment, for that matter, but I feel like I don't and can't match up to everyone else. (And I hate that I even feel like I need to.) I feel so stuck. Everyone is doing great things with their post-grad lives, and I'm just -- not. I feel like there is something big waiting for me, and i just have to find it. I am trying to be patient until the Lord reveals what His plans are for my next step, but it is getting increasingly harder. It is increasingly harder to be content with my current circumstances, and to not get upset when others are doing great things and moving forward without me.
I wrote a journal entry last night about how it feels like almost everyone in my life has outgrown me. It really hurts when I think about it that way, but that's what it feels like right now. I am so ready to find my purpose and my place. I want to be doing great things and having great adventures. It is so hard to be stuck on the verge. I feel very much like a horse (not that I know what it feels like to be a horse...) in a race, and everyone's gate opened but mine. Mine got stuck, and everyone's running the track but me. I am very much so ready to run. (what up, blog title!)
Needless to say, my attitude over the past few weeks and months has been characterized by frustration and the inadequacy I feel when I put my current situation up against almost everyone else's that I look at. I've always heard and believed that "comparison is the thief of joy," and I can attest to that fact 100% at this point. The worst part is that I know this to be true, but I still struggle with it. It is so difficult to be in this place and not compare myself with others and what they have going for them.
I have struggled with this a lot this week as I have been back in Austin spending time with my friends. I genuinely love them and am so excited about all of the great things that are happening in their lives, but it just makes me feel worse about myself. I know that is a bold statement, but I want to be honest. All of us face struggles in our walk with Christ, and this is one of my biggest right now.
I am trying to focus a lot on becoming who He has created me to become. I know that I am still growing and learning, and will always be. He isn't finished with me, and I know that He does have plans for me post-college. I feel that there is something big He is putting on my heart. I'm not even sure what it is at this point, but I am praying that He will give me discernment on this and courage to pursue it. I know that He will prepare me in time. Like I said, there is purpose in this - in my current position, and this journey he is leading me on to get to my next place. It's difficult, but I know that it is necessary.
Today was perfect outside - 75 and sunny in mid-January. Thank you, Austin, yes please! I spent a really great few hours at the park (one of the perks of being unemployed!) with a Sonic drank and the Word. I found a lot of freedom and comfort in Psalm 139. It it exactly what I needed today.
He has not forgotten about me.
He has not left me to do this alone.
He has a plan.
He has not left me to do this alone.
He has a plan.
So, my hope is renewed and I will continue to walk on -- the journey to become who He has created me to be, and find the place He has prepared for me.
O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I'm far away.
You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night --
but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother's womb.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
They cannot be numbered!
I can't even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!
O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
Get out of my life, you murderers!
They blaspheme you,
your enemies misuse your name.
O Lord, shouldn't I hate those who hate you?
Shouldn't I despise those who oppose you?
Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
for your enemies are my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
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