I am so tired of fighting fights that I cannot win.
I am so tired of fighting and failing all the time.
I'm sick of these battles, and I am very much in need of the break that will be mine soon.
I don't even love people well anymore, you guys.
And I know it.
I'm tired. And angry. And frustrated. All the time.
I don't love my kids well at school.
No matter how much they frustrate me and don't listen to or respect me,
I am still called to love them well. And I know that.
But most days, I just don't. And I hate it.
I don't love Singers well. And that makes me angry and frustrated with myself.
Which only makes it worse.
I want so badly to love and serve them well.
And I feel like I am failing miserably.
And I hate that.
I feel like I have no patience left for anything.
And I've been a bad friend to a lot of people this semester.
And I hate that.
I am not at all dong a good job of showing people Jesus.
Punch me in the face.
I want to fix this.
I need a break.
1 comment:
there is no great, wise saying I can write to make this better. there are no magic words that will "poof" the struggle out of existence. i've been there...struggling with apathy, feeling irritated and moody and uncaring. not loving well, adn sometimes not wanting to love well. in many ways i'm there right now...dealing with the same stuff. this thing called life is a constant battle. there's a reason it's called a "walk." we have to trudge through these moments when we are desperately human, miles and miles away from the Jesus in us. the good news is that you want to fix it, you want to love well and do better. i think that's half the battle...maybe even more than half. because if you can recognize what needs to be fixed, you're willing to say that you aren't perfect and you don't have everything figured out. and, really, that's all our great big God needs to get the job done: our simple admission that there's a job that needs doing. let Him handle it. There's a reason you've gone through this struggle this semester...and He'll show you that on the backside of all this. He always does, and we are always better for the struggle. remember this: He knows the plans He has for you, plans for good, to give you an expected end (or more simply put, a future and a hope.) Just let Him fight the battles, 'cause He never loses.
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