Camp the first half was amazing and I loved it, but of course that is hard.
And being back in Austin second half has been not at all what I expected.
I can't see, and I can't understand.
And I'm frustrated.
It's hard that I never see my best friend, whom I LIVE WITH, because she has a boyfriend.
And frankly, it's hard that I don't.
I know it shouldn't matter, or that I shouldn't care or that I shouldn't let that upset me.
But it's really hard.
And I HATE living by myself in this apartment.
It's hard that everything around me is changing.
And I'm frustrated with myself for being upset about all of these things, and that just makes it worse.
But if my blind camper can climb the rockwall...
But she didn't really, not by herself anyway.
And WHY am I not seeing this analogy until just now, writing this.
She climbed it, but she didn't do it by herself. She couldn't have.
We were at the bottom, telling her where to step, and the guy counselors were pulling her rope-- pulling her up the wall as she climbed the rocks. She needed us to help her-- to help pull her up.
I can't.
I can't climb it. I can't see it.
I can't even understand the concept of a "rockwall" right now or what it even looks like at this point or why I would even want to climb it.
I need someone to be at the bottom.
Someone who is strong enough to pull me to the top when everything that I am fails or gives up or quits.
I need someone to tell me to keep going when I yell that I want to come down.
"It's too hard. I can't do it, I want down."
"Girlfriend, you're fine, I've got you."
"I want down!"
"Keep going. Two more minutes. Just two more minutes."
Why is all of this so hard right now?
And why am I struggling with it so much?
I'm so sick of all of it, why can't I just STOP.
"Has it been two minutes yet?"
(it's been three.) "No, keep going, just a little further."
If my blind camper can trust me, a person she has known for five days, to catch her when she falls off of this strange thing however-many-feet-in-the-air she is trying to climb, then WHY is it so hard for me to trust my Savior, who created the universe, who knew me before I was even THOUGHT of, who PUT ME HERE FOR A REASON, who loves me.
Don't get me wrong. I KNOW that He loves me and that HE has plans for me and that I am right where I need to be. I know that He is sovereign and bigger than all of these things.
More than the things that upset me, I think I'm more upset with myself for still struggling with them and LETTING them upset me. I feel like I shouldn't. I feel like I should be able to hand them over and not worry about them anymore and not be upset about them.
I trust Him.
..but if I TRUST him, why am I still fighting these little battles.
Why am I so upset that I can't get a date or someone to hold hands with? WHY DOES IT MATTER SO MUCH? (I'm so frustrated that it matters so much.) It shouldn't be that big of a deal.
Why do I go crazy being in my apartment alone? Is it that big of a deal?
I don't understand myself and I hate this.
I am mad that I can't give all this up to Him. I want to so bad, and I'm trying-- and failing.
How am I supposed to be a leader and an encourager and a good friend when my heart is such a mess. How am I supposed to climb this stupid wall when I can't see a thing.
I know that He is in all of this, even though I can't see it. I know He is.
He is standing at the bottom, pulling my rope, helping me up. And I have no idea.
Lord give me faith to never look away.
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